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Look & Listen Love 'Em & Leave 'Em

The Mechanics of Love

Love ‘Em & Leave ‘Em:
TGG’s Valentine Special

We’re cracking love open and taking a peek inside today– a look behind the curtain, so to speak. Inspiration for today’s installment of TGG’s Valentine series arrived in the form of UK-based soul singer-songwriter, Celeste’s “Strange.” With the aid of producer Jamie Hartman, Celeste perfectly encapsulates the emptiness love can leave behind and the ways in which love can evolve or deteriorate between two people. The lead single from her debut album, Not Your Muse, was released with an equally evocative music video. The video opens and closes with the artist standing in the middle of a dark road, surrounded by smoke and embers, symbolizing the sometimes cataclysmic aftermath of romantic love.

“I tilt your head to pour your thoughts into my hand, but now I can’t. Say, isn’t it strange? I am still me, you are still you, in the same place.”

The Triangular Theory of Love, developed by psychologist Robert Sternberg suggests that the recipe for perfect love consists of three ingredients: intimacy, passion & commitment. According to Sternberg’s theory, different combinations of these components result in 7 varieties of love: infatuation (passion), liking (intimacy), empty love (commitment), romantic love (passion & intimacy), companionate love (intimacy & commitment), and finally, consummate love (intimacy, passion & commitment). The Ancient Greeks also had 7 words for the different varieties of love. It’s entirely possible to experience each and every variety of love over the course of a single relationship. Say a couple begin as friends (liking), until a mutual attraction forms (infatuation, romantic), they decide to become exclusive with one another and traverse life together (companionate, developing into consummate), but then somewhere along the line, the passion and intimacy may disappear (empty).

Actively loving someone takes work, patience, and dedication.

What can we do to avoid love becoming empty? In some cases, unfortunately, it’s unavoidable. As scary as change may be, it is the only constant in life. We are forever evolving– mentally, emotionally and physically. Over time, we may grow into entirely different people altogether. This is where we come to the intersection of loving and choosing to love. Actively loving someone takes work, patience, and dedication. A step in the right direction is determining yours and your partner’s love languages.

Dr. Gary Chapman developed the concept of the five love languages with his book, The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. The theory is that each individual has an internal hierarchy of how they like to give and receive love. The five love languages are as follows:
1. Words of Affirmation
Someone whose preferred method of receiving love as words of affirmation finds comfort in verbal validation, encouragement and compliments. This could be as simple as letting your partner know how nice they look today or verbally expressing gratitude for your partner.
2. Quality Time
Quality time is defined as “time spent in giving another person one’s undivided attention in order to strengthen a relationship.” Put your phone away and enjoy time together, distraction-free.
3. Acts of Service
Giving love via acts of service can be as simple as accomplishing a household chore without being asked, warming up your partner’s car before they go to work, or even just plugging their phone into the charger. Any small act of service can speak volumes in love.
4. Gifts
Gift-giving doesn’t have to be as grandiose as it may sound. This could be any small offering: “I was at the gas station and got your favorite candy bar” or “I saw this at the store and it made me think of you.” A lot of little things over a long span of time can be more meaningful than a few big things.
5. Physical Touch
Physical touch doesn’t necessarily mean sexual intimacy. It could be as simple as carving time out of your day to just lay with your partner, a hand on the small of your partner’s back in passing or a squeeze of the shoulder.

Discuss love languages with your partner to better understand each other’s preferred methods of giving and receiving love. Communication is a building block for all relationships. Love languages sometimes make it easier to say what can’t be expressed with words. Express gratitude for your partner (and others!) as often as possible and be active in showing love.

Additional inspiration: Charlotte Day Wilson’s “Work”