Love 'Em & Leave 'Em

Relinquishing Control: Attachment or Love?

Love ‘Em & Leave ‘Em:
TGG’s Valentine Special

Chicago native, Femdot provides nostalgic New York sound and the inspiration for today’s love topic: the difference between attachment and love. Whether they’re still pillars in our lives or in the rearview, “Happy Breakup Song,” magnifies the goodwill we should wish to those we love. Just because something doesn’t last forever, it doesn’t negate the growth, happiness or success brought on by the experience.

This a ‘thank you for helping me find myself’ song. This is a hope you got peace, hope the pieces of me helped you, like the pieces of you I had helped me.

Confusing love with possession or attachment is one way insecurity rears its ugly head in relationships. In the early stages of a romantic relationship, it can sometimes be easy to fall completely in line with your partner, becoming totally enveloped in the relationship and really not much else. Things that are deserving of your time and attention can fall to the wayside, like hobbies, friends and family, or responsibilities. According to a scientific study led by Dr. Helen Fischer at Rutgers, “Attraction involves the brain pathways that control ‘reward’ behavior, which partly explains why the first few weeks or months of a relationship can be so exhilarating and even all-consuming.”

But what about after the initial phases of love?
We’ve all either been there or seen that, those relationships where one person fears being without “The Other Half” for longer than a minute. Consistent insecure attachment in a romantic relationship is indicative of emotional dependency. Dependency such as this occurs when an individual feels less than whole prior to coupling, seeking wholeness within the relation. When emotional dependency like this is apparent in a relationship, the union becomes less about equal partnership and more about serving oneself to fill an imaginary void within. Dependency can look a lot like addiction that’s led by, you guessed it– ego.

To combat this fear of loss, we may cling on for dear life– applying pressure in order to feel in control, squeezing so hard that what we love eventually suffocates.

Have you ever seen a cute kitten or puppy and had the overwhelming (and slightly concerning) urge to squeeze a little too hard? I’m talking hard enough to maybe unintentionally inflict a little pain? Why would we want to squeeze the life out of something that brings us so much joy and comfort? This is where fear comes into play– fear that what we have now, we may not have forever. To combat this fear of loss, we may cling on for dear life– applying pressure in order to feel in control, squeezing so hard that what we love eventually suffocates. Similar to love, fear is complex; it’s been societally ingrained in our minds to fear loss, because to lose is to lack, and a feeling of lack can negatively impact our self-esteem.

The moment we relinquish the need to control, we can acknowledge and appreciate the beauty in that what we think we have cannot actually be “had.”

The most effective way to combat fear of loss is through acceptance. The moment we relinquish the need to control, we can acknowledge and appreciate the beauty in that what we think we have cannot actually be “had.” Whatever will be, will be. A more romantic way to view this is to imagine your loved ones as open air– impossible to capture entirely and flowing freely. Assume the position that no one, not even your partner or family, is obligated to live up to your expectations. (Expectation can be an especially vicious instigator as it tends to lead to disappointment, guilt and anger more often than not.) Recognize that your loved one is an individual, inside and outside of the relationship, and celebrate their sovereignty. Remember that to love without possession is to wholeheartedly root for our loved ones’ happiness, even if that happiness doesn’t include or involve us. There is incomparable value in knowing that every person reserves the right to just exist, including you and your partner.

Loosen your grip. Let it breathe.

Look & Listen Love 'Em & Leave 'Em

Self-Love: You Deserve It

Love ‘Em & Leave ‘Em:
TGG’s Valentine Special

Hello and welcome to the first installment of TGG’s Valentine series. Although Valentine’s Day may be a cash cow for the capitalist regime, the now-contorted sentiment behind the holiday called to me. Combining psychology and music, I’ll be writing about all things regarding love and relationships leading up to the holiday.

Today’s musical inspiration is brought to you by Philly native Santigold in the form of “Can’t Get Enough of Myself,” the first track on 2015’s 99 Cents. Consider the song’s chorus and remember to always invest in yourself.

“All I wanna do is what I do well. Ain’t a gambler but honey, I’d put money on myself.”

If we’re gonna be discussing the mechanics of love and healthy relationships, there’s really no better place to start than with the self. If you’re alive and breathing, you have probably heard some variation of the phrase, “You can’t love someone else without loving yourself first” once or twice in your lifetime. The validity of this statement is debatable, mostly because love is not black and white. Similar to any other complex emotion or frame of mind, love can ebb and flow based on varying circumstance, environment and other things beyond our personal control.
Compassion for self, although ultimately fulfilling in practice, proves to be exceptionally difficult to execute at times. We are often our own worst critics because, for some reason or another, we may hold ourselves to higher standards than those we love. We may forgive someone we love for making a mistake without granting ourselves the same forgiveness. Expressing the same tenderness for ourselves that we show for others can enhance our self-esteem and change the game altogether.

Unfortunately, there’s no rulebook for self-love, but an article written by Dr. Deborah Khoshaba in Psychology Today suggests a “7-step prescription” for executing self-love. This 7-step prescription consists of the following:
1. Be mindful of your own feelings and thoughts.
Being consciously aware of your own desires and concerns breeds emotional maturity and intelligence. Acknowledge that what you feel is valid– don’t let your emotional welfare take a backseat.
2. Act on what you need rather than what you want.
Avoid impulsive desires for instant gratification, which sometimes manifests as self-sabotage. Instead, commit to personal necessity. Take a step back and look at tempting situations from the perspective of “Will this help or hurt me?”
3. Practice good self-care.
“Self-care” is a term that gained recent popularity which, in turn, has distorted its true definition. Self-care is defined as providing yourself with the basic needs to function day-to-day. This includes getting enough rest, proper nourishment and exercise.
4. Set boundaries.
A lack of boundaries is a betrayal of self; without clearly stated boundaries, we allow room for others to take advantage and rob ourselves of the right to object the infringement. Setting boundaries for ourselves is just as important as setting boundaries for others.
5. Protect yourself.
It is no one’s responsibility but your own to ensure your safety and well-being is preserved. Sever ties, if possible, with people who intentionally or unintentionally bring harm or discomfort. Never forget that you are your first and last line of defense against harm.
6. Forgive yourself.
This one is definitely easier said than done, but as stated previously, we must grant ourselves permission to make mistakes and to learn from them. Would you scold your loved one for making an honest mistake the same way you scold yourself? Take your lumps like everyone else, acknowledge but don’t dwell, and do better next time.
7. Live intentionally.
Life is simply more enjoyable when living with purpose. Being 100% intentional in how we operate, interact and move in our day-to-day lives can create magnetic energy, and attract others with similar purpose.

I can tell you from personal experience that practicing self-love isn’t always easy but I can guarantee that it’s rewarding. You start walking different, talking different– a palpable, gradual energy shift takes place over time. When you love yourself the way you want others to love you, an exciting, dangerous thing happens. You realize that you lack nothing needed to be enough and that you are indeed plenty all on your own. Everything else is an added bonus, a reward for your hard work. The key word here is Time; when you plant a seed, you have to nurture, water and care for it diligently and patiently in order for it to grow.